Netflix, Take One

"5 cent whiskey and 50 cent whores? Those were getting to know ya prices."

I know it's been a long time since I rapped at 'cha, but I'm back. Some people thought I might not make it in this blog game. Dead wrong.

Many of you awoke yesterday to find an email from the illustrious Netflix founder, playboy Reed Hastings. I, however, woke up to two emails from the guy. The first was clearly a rough draft, lacking in certain diplomatic turns of phrase which gracefully populate the final draft.

Here, dear reader, is the unedited draft version of playboy Reed Hastings' "apology":

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Dear Rob,

I messed up. I owe you an explanation.

People have been yapping at me about doubling Netflix's price back in July. They say things like "playboy Reed, why did you double the price?" The tempest grew so strong that it threatened to unseat "Why aren't there any adult films available?" as the biggest complaint I got in July/August 2011. To those people complaining about the latter, all I have to say is:

Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start.

To those complaining about the former, you should know that I totally don't like paying more for stuff either. Did you know that Wendy's is raising the price on all its hamburgers? They are.

Anyway, we've come to the real point of this message. What, you thought it was a mea culpa? Bullshit! Playboy Reed Hastings has nothing to apologize for. Of course, the real reason that I'm writing this is to let you know that I'm improving the Netflix experience by making you go to two different websites and rupturing the online integration you once enjoyed between streaming movies and DVDs-by-mail.

I'm terribly fond of the DVDs-by-mail "Netflix" -- after all, without that idea people would still call me "one-testicle" Reed Hastings -- but things be changing out there. So, from now on, you're DVDs-by-mail will be delivered by a company called… uh… netmail? Hopsqwik? Gimmie a sec to page my secretary...

OK, it's qwickster. I remember now. In the last Board meeting there was a good deal of discussion about three things surrounding the name:

1. We were at risk of losing our natural affiliation with the hipster set, and we wanted a name that sounded like their epithet.

2. Someone kept on saying they felt the need for speed. It got so annoying that we finally all agreed to use a "fast-themed" name to shut him up. Only later did we learn that Gary recently developed an addiction to amphetamines. Come to think of it, his mumbled ramblings about Elmo and tweets are making more sense now.

3. We didn't want to lose our core identity as the company that always needlessly changes one letter of every name.

So, Qwickster. Why the split?

Mostly, it's for my psychic health. My therapist is warning me that I need to do something to overcome this recurring nightmare that I'm crushed under a case of DVDs at a recently shuttered Borders location. Playboy Reed ain't going out like that. So, to avoid these nightmares, I'm trying to wash my hands of this whole "physical stock" part of the business. Did you know that behind shipping fees, our largest expense is replacing those white sleeves with the movie description? Little known fact.

Second, the post office is going bankrupt. As I recall from a Seinfeld episode I recently netflix'd (pardon me… QWIKSTER'd. It's catching on already), aside from being a postmaster, the postmaster general is also a general. You think I'm going to fuck with that (hint: yes.)? He probably thinks he can get the post office back in the black ink by raising our postage rates. I am outdueling this certain assault on our profit margins by withdrawing from the whole "USPS" scam.

So there you have it. Your rates are higher. Your service more confusing.

But I got my swagger back.

Respectfully yours,

-Playboy Reed Hastingz, Co-Founder and CEO, Netflix & Qwikmoviez Qwikster